Seven years ago today I lost my first son, an experience I will never forget.
One never truly knows the pain of death until you loose a child. I was a 21 year old married woman pregnant with her first child. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that my pregnancy would end abruptly and in such a horrible fashion. As I sit back and recall the events of those days leading up to and then the 3 days in labor I still feel the pain as if it were yesterday.
I think about my son Demandre’ Antoine (Dre’ as he was affectionately called) daily. I wonder what he would be like if he were living today, would he be tall like his mom or short like his dad. Spoiled wasn’t a question because he was already that, and handsome was not a worry either because he had cute parents. :)
I think the thing that I wonder the most is if there was anything that I could have done to change it. I understand Divine order and the fact that everything happens in God’s time, but I wonder if there was some small change that I could have made to save my son’s life. Ultimately, the answer is NO, because God is in control, and I try to find comfort and solace in that fact.
Life is no bed of rose and I certainly know that, but is there ever going to come a time when I don’t wonder what my child is doing in Heaven daily. I can’t physically see him or talk to him, but I know he is there. He is there watching over his mom, dad, grandparents, brother, aunts, uncles, godparents and the rest of his family as an angel should. I know my baby is on his job, and that I will one day meet him in Heaven again. That doesn’t ease the day to day pain here on earth.
Many of us know the serenity prayer and quote it when it sounds good, but today I am truly asking God to grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
RIP Demandre’ Antoine…this BLOG is for you!
